I'd like to think that I've grown up to be an interesting 30 year-old woman, in my own way. But I also want to say that I'm a 30 year-old child who hasn't forgotten what it means to be vulnerable, to truly care. To be really out there, soaking the world, and finding more pathways for connection.
It's just that this year feels different in that I feel like I am always walking around with a mirror around me. I feel that somehow, everything that I do or feel reflect back on me, and I grapple with how to become even more myself. How to be more genuine, if that makes sense? It's not that who I am is particularly great or amazing. But more and more, I just feel like it's a waste of time to pretend that I am different from what I know I am. But that's just the thing. We live our years accumulating notions of how we truly are, and when we try to assemble everything into a coherent image, everything just doesn't quite fit as neatly as we'd like.
"Many people dedicate their lives to actualizing a concept of what they should be, rather than actualizing themselves. The difference between self-actualization and self-image actualization is very important. Most people only live for their image."
And maybe that's the point. That there's no point to classifying myself as something specific in the search of interestingness, in painting myself into the image of who I think I really am. I just am. You just are. You don't have to fit in any genre.
In the last years of my 20s, I felt that there was a plastic cling wrap subduing me, almost, perhaps for the purpose of self-containment and just wanting to feel solid. But now, it's just so satisfying to claw at that layer, nails breaking through the pettiness of propriety or prettiness with a satisfying pop! There's no need to please everyone. There's no need to be polished and pretty and pleasant all the time. There's no need to worry about how I come across, as long as I'm clear with my boundaries and my intentions.
To be genuinely me, I just need to pursue the things that interest me, and will hopefully better me. That, I can do. Me, I can be.